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View More InfoLife is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like…do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?
When there is silence, one finds the anchor of the universe within oneself. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
-Lao Tzu
Before I rise,
like a phoenix from the ashes
or a blossom from a barren winter branch,
I must learn to dance in the burning
of each golden falling leaf.
-Tianna
dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future..
-ee cummings
If you are seeking, seek us with joy
For we live in the kingdom of joy.
Do not give your heart to anything else
But to the love of those who are clear joy,
Do not stray into the neighborhood of despair.
For there are hopes: they are real, they exist –
Do not go in the direction of darkness –
I tell you: suns exist–
-Rumi
Spring
Sound the flute!
Now it’s mute!
Bird’s delight,
Day and night,
Nightingale,
In the dale,
Lark in sky,—
Merrily,
Merrily merrily, to welcome in the year…
-William Blake
My friend recently sent me an article about the sighting of a rare bird: a yellow cardinal. Apparently, it’s a one in a million chance you’ll see a yellow cardinal. Neither of us knew that yellow cardinals even existed.
I noted to her that seeing a “regular” red cardinal is one of my favorite bird sightings, actually. I always interpret seeing a cardinal as good luck or a good omen. Whenever I’m lucky enough to see two in a day, I’ll tell my husband about it over dinner. It’s a pandemic, so this is pretty noteworthy on any given day. Though if I’m being honest, I would have brought this up over dinner in the past too. Cardinals are serious business. If we are all out walking, I show them to my daughter. She yells, “bird!” which is basically headline news for her- along with seeing a bus or a truck.
Apparently, lots of other people take note of cardinals too, even in pre-pandemic times. A quick Google search reveals lots of information and sentiments about cardinal sightings, along with a rich history of the etiology of such beliefs.
Whether or not you have aviary interests, I love the idea of knowing there’s a literal rare bird out there in our own big backyard. It may be a one in a million chance, but I know I’ll keep looking for the elusive yellow cardinal. In the meantime, I’ve stopped and paused at every cardinal sighting in the past year- an omen of good things to come. There’s change in the air.
If you want to read more about the yellow cardinal, you can find information here.
Copyright © 2021 Melissa A. Frey, LCSW. All rights reserved.
But that shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe.
-Rumi
If you find yourself blankly staring at the ceiling or out the window in the early mornings lately, you’re in good company. There’s a lot of snow out there, readers. And a lot of cold.
People have frequently been asking in session if their malaise is normal right now. Let’s have a moment with that. It’s below zero many days, there’s been a ton of snow, and we are rounding out a full year of a global pandemic. Of course a feeling of malaise is normal! The end of January, February and March are almost always tough months for midwesterners at baseline. You have to have some level of sheer grit and resilience to get through long midwest winters, particularly one that is more challenging than our previous winters.
I talked about both/and in my last post, and this week I find myself thinking about that very concept again. It’s both arctic level cold, and so sunny. I actually can’t recall a winter this sunny in recent years. It’s both very snowy (where will it even be plowed if/when there is more!?), and that snow is glittering in the sunshine and under street lamps.
If you, too, have some malaise, welcome it on in. I’m welcoming it in, too. And then, I’m turning my face up to the sunshine and basking in it. I’m watching my daughter stick her face up to the rays of sunshine, and sticking out that tiny mittened hand to catch a falling snowflake. We are learning both words: snow and sun. Both/And.
As always, stay strong, readers. I’ve started to realize that if we can weather this winter, pandemic, malaise, all of it, then I bet we can weather just about anything. “Every winter has its spring,” as H. Tuttle noted, and (in humans,) “No feeling is final,” as Rilke said.
Copyright © 2021 Melissa A. Frey, LCSW. All rights reserved.
I Worried
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.
-Mary Oliver
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
-Rumi
As we close out a very strange, difficult, and long year, our office is reflecting on our year of telehealth. We want to thank all of our clients, many of whom we haven’t yet met in person, for sharing in the year with us.
One day in March, we temporarily closed our physical office doors, and opened up our computers to connect with our clients. While we can’t wait to open those physical office doors again, we have loved the opportunity to continue to work virtually and meet so many of you. What a delight it is to see your pets, children, spouses, homes, porches, patios, balconies, and/or the interior of your car. We’ve hung out in our home offices while you’ve taken walks, gone for drives, and gotten your much needed coffee. We’ve had debates over which coffee is best when you “literally can’t” and aren’t sure how much coffee it will take to get going on a given day (I’m still team Starbucks, by the way).
We’ve shared a lot of laughs over the year, in spite of all of the challenges, grief and sorrow. The growing number of La Croix cans and coffee mugs on our desks is usually a source of a good laugh, as well as what you’ve deemed as your work wear for those of you who work from home (team joggers).
And of course, between the light hearted moments of connection, we’ve hung out in some really tough emotional places together. Many of our clients often ask how we are faring, these days. We are happy to report that while everyone has tough days, even us, working as therapists during a global crisis is a true source of purpose, meaning, and honor. Work, for all of us, is a wonderful anchor, and we don’t take it lightly nor for granted that we have been able to continue to do our work in a very real way, despite the technology changes. We are filled to the brim with gratitude for each and every one of our clients who has been on the journey with us.
Cheers to 2021: may it be filled with laughs, hope, and light, in the midst of the dark. Even though we don’t know exactly what the year will bring, consider us fully ready to embrace it and keep journeying on down the road with all of you.
With gratitude,
all of us at the (virtual) office
Copyright © 2020 Melissa A. Frey, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Hold on a While
When all the sky is very black
And all the earth is blue,
And all the fiends are on your track
And howling after you;
When courage falls and hope decays
And fair ambition dies,
And all your dreamland is ablaze
Beneath the ebon skies;
When you would fain renounce the goal,
Nor plod another mile,
Oh, straighten up your drooping soul,
And—just—hold on—a while!
Hold on a while! the darkest night
May bring the fairest day.
Hold on a while! the good, the right,
Will always find a way.
Hold on! for still some strength remains,
Nor yield you till you must;
A newer life may flood your veins;
Born of a larger trust.
And when your fondest hopes are dead
And fate has ceased to smile.
‘Tis then it pays to lift your head
And—just—hold on a-while.
-Amos Russel Wells
Like many people, I surround myself with a lot of forms of art lately. Music, literature, poetry, art work, and other forms of art enable us to connect to significant collective experiences, such as a pandemic, despite our literal distance. There are some great articles discussing why art means so much to us right now; you will find links to some of those articles below, as well as how to get connected to art virtually.
You’ll find the Mindful Moment posts of 2020 have gotten a bit longer, as poems seem to often reflect our current experience a bit more accurately than quotes, lately. And of course, you can find me, listening to Folklore on repeat these days…
Virtual art museum tour lists:
Travel and Leisure link of virtual museum tours
TimeOut link of virtual museum tours
How we connect through art during difficult times:
Why We Needs Art in Times of Crisis
Even During COVID, Art Brings Us Closer Together
Copyright © 2020 Melissa A. Frey, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Well, here we are again. Another day in paradise, as I like to say, as many of you know from our sessions.
As we face another suggestion of “sheltering in place,” life is again changing for some of us. For others, life is barely changing at all. No matter where you fall in the trajectory of change- whether your life is changing a lot or very little- the common theme this week is exhaustion.
I see you. I know you are exhausted, and weary. You are tired of picking out meals, take out, or what to get from the fridge. Things seem as mundane as ever as you take your garbage and recycling bins to the curb, marking the passing of another week. You’re wondering how many times you’ve run the dishwasher lately (why is it always full?). You wake up, still tired, even though you slept. Never not tired, as my friend and I often laugh about when checking in with one another via text and phone.
There’s some hope on this horizon, though, readers. As news starts to trickle in about vaccinations, we are beginning to see a light. No one knows how far down the tunnel it is, but I see that hopeful light, and I bet you do too. The mixture of exhaustion and hope is new. We start to pour ourselves a glass of optimism, and sip it slowly, savoring the promise of a new dawn and new day.
You’ve got this. We’ve got this. As always, stay strong. I’m sheltering with you, just as you are with me. We’ve weathered nine months already; let yourself be both exhausted and hopeful. At the very least, that’s shiny and new.
Copyright © 2020 Melissa A. Frey, LCSW. All rights reserved.
“I sit beside the fire and think
Of all that I have seen
Of meadow flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been
Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair
I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see
For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green
I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know
But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door”
―
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot abut time, and the passing of time. Whether it’s the best of times, or the worst of times (as it can feel lately), it is the only time we have. As the pandemic continues on, so does our emotional marathon of resilience. We try and balance looking ahead (where is that light at the end of the tunnel?!), while also being mindful of the present moment (the sun is shining in this very moment and it’s lovely). It’s a rollercoaster right now, to be sure, and this poem reminds us that there is a time for everything. Stay strong.
“There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.
The Master sees things as they are, without trying to control them. She lets them go their own way, and resides at the center of the circle.”
– Lao Tzu
All of us, at some time or other, need help. Whether we’re giving or receiving help, each one of us has something valuable to bring to this world.
That’s one of the things that connects us as neighbors–in our own way, each one of us is a giver and a receiver.
-Fred Rogers
I wouldn’t use the word boredom. I would use the word monotonous.
While we do remain curious, there is a drying up of the well of wonders. It’s not as though we are no longer curious. In fact, I think we find ourselves quite curious. Curious about the fate of the world in general, among so many other small thoughts lingering in the corners of our minds. We remain curious, but the well of rarities we can actually touch is drying up a bit.
Looking down into that well, there isn’t much to look at, even way down there. There are likely a few drops that haven’t yet fully caught the rays of sunshine that slowly radiate on down the well walls. So, we cannot quite see those droplets. I think we all assume they are there. They probably are. And we all know, believe, hope, that the well will one day fill up to the brim again and we will again be able to quench our thirst for fresh, new rarities in our lives.
In the meantime, we are all hanging out by that well. Thirsty, tired, restless, and weary. It’s the same view every day- day in and day out. Another day, starring you, and….well, you. Staring out the window, down the well, out into your yard, thinking of all the splendor you had before, right at your fingertips. You could grasp those marvels and reach for them all day, every day. You could drink from that well until you were so full and content, you were exhausted from all of your new experiences and the wonders around you.
These days, we look for the wonders that are now dulled out, but used to be shiny. We grab some polish, and attempt to make them new and glisten once more. Our wells are dry, but there remain wonders around us. Every day, it’s too easy, to reach for the old list of monotonous tasks. So, instead, we challenge ourselves to glitter up the old tasks, a few times per day, in search of a treasure…a curiosity of sorts.
This evening, my daughter and I were running around the same four walls we usually hang out in before we begin the bedtime routine. Suddenly, she stopped moving and I saw her hand reach out into the air. She had found a ray of sunshine, beaming through the window, shining onto her tiny hand. She was intrigued, and deeply curious. I reached my hand up into the air, and we both shared in that ray of light together. I would have missed the tiny ray of light, if not for her own curiosity slowing us down for a moment. Promptly after this treasure of a moment, she reached for my cell phone, which I tried to, not so smoothly, sneak back into my pocket. A meltdown ensued, of course, because we always want those shiny things we can’t quite have in this moment.
Even though the well has all but dried up, I actually see her well is quite full. And thus, the monotonous became slightly shiny again, for a few lovely moments.
This is what we do now.
Stay thirsty out there. That well has a few drops left. And it will one day be full again. We will delight and smile at all the wonders we had been longing for in our monotony. In the meantime, shine up everything you can find that has a layer of dust on it.
I’ve been wanting to post on the blog since hearing the word “pandemic” for the first time, but I have struggled to know where to begin. As we settle into this new normal, I thought it might be useful to point out some of the questions I am commonly hearing these days. This is one of the rare times many people are coming to therapy and discussing a lot of the truly exact same concerns.
1) I’m sorry, I know you are probably really busy, but are you still able to see me even if I haven’t seen you in a while?
Of course! Yes, always yes. Everyone in the office will honor all requests to the best of our ability, myself included. I find many clients are worried about us, as clinicians, and how we are doing. Clinicians/therapists are trained to take care of others, and we truly want to do so. That’s why we do our jobs. It has been my distinct privilege to be on a journey with many of my clients during various times throughout their lives. While this is an unprecedented time, we are trained to assist and support people through crises. Please do not apologize for seeking support right now; this is what we do and it is our honor to be on the frontline.
2) Is everyone else having a hard time?
I have yet to come across a single person in my life, personal or professional, who isn’t having a hard time on some, if not all, days. In the first couple of weeks of the COVID-19 outbreak, things went from, “Oh, it’s just a bad version of the flu,” to “Oh no, this is really bad. Scary bad.”
Now, I’m finding many of us are growing weary. Weary and wondering: where did my structure go? When will this end? Why is it so draining to even leave the house? Did I sanitize enough when I got back from the grocery store? What is going to happen to the global economy? I feel so helpless, what can I do to help? How long can I wear the same pair of pajamas before I look like I’ve given up hope? This list could go on forever. In short, everyone is having a hard time, though for a variety of different reasons.
3) I see a lot of articles about self care and working on my efficiency at this time. It makes me feel badly; should I be doing more right now?
Ah, the good old “shoulds” and social media. Surviving is what needs to be done right now. Whatever your form of “self care” is, you take care of yourself right now. I wish I could give everyone a list of what would help them to feel “normal” again and bring back their old life. I don’t believe such a list exists. Although, if you have one, please send it my way! Otherwise, I think it’s really a good option to give yourself permission to take care of yourself however you want to: that might not involve cleaning out another drawer or worrying about how much time your children watched tv today. Your self care might involve sitting in silence and drinking coffee, even if you only can for five minutes. I believe this may be a time during which we focus on surviving not “thriving.”
4) Is it hard for other people to get out of bed right now?
Yes. It sure is. If you have seen the movie Groundhog Day, I think life feels like that for a lot of people right now. It’s really more of the same day to day. It is hard to get up some days when all you see is bad news. (I do recommending limiting news, by the way.) That being said, what a joy it is to see so many humans coming together and taking care of their neighbors. Some days, it may be hard to get up, and yet, we do. That doesn’t mean we have to look for the silver lining, but rather making it through each day and taking it one day at a time versus looking down a tunnel and not yet seeing a light. In the meantime, as many of my clients have heard me say before: we make the best out of the worst, sometimes. Humans are far more resilient than we all give ourselves credit for. Be kind to yourself and others. This too shall pass.
5) Any tips for coping?
I would say this is a rare situation in which we don’t really have a lot of inherent coping and cognitive skills built in. So, we are all getting creative. I don’t think there’s a one size fits all for coping with this pandemic. I’ve asked my clients to create a loose list (either written or in their minds) of their top concerns, and then we work through them together to decide on what some of their specific coping skills might be.
If you want resources, let us know. We will find something that works specifically for you. In the more general sense, here are some of my favorite readings thus far:
https://www.thecut.com/2020/04/i-dont-think-i-can-handle-18-months-of-isolation.html
https://medium.com/@amillheiser/how-to-survive-quarantine-676d4058f637
And, lastly, one of my favorite quotes that seems to fit with a variety of life situations over the course of the years:
“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
Rainer Marie Rilke
