CBT therapy near me Archives - Melissa A. Frey, LCSW

The Way You Speak to Yourself Matters

Posted on April 15, 2026

Most people don’t notice how harsh they are with themselves—until they stop and really listen.

Think about how you respond when a friend is struggling.

You might say:

“That makes sense.”
“You’re doing the best you can.”
“This is a lot to carry.”
“You’ll figure this out.”

There’s patience. Understanding. Perspective.

Now compare that to how you speak to yourself.

The Internal Double Standard

When something goes wrong, your inner voice might sound more like:

“I should have handled that better.”
“Why am I like this?”
“This shouldn’t be so hard.”
“Other people can manage this—why can’t I?”

The tone shifts quickly—from compassion to criticism.

Not because you deserve it.
But because it’s familiar.

Many people were taught—directly or indirectly—that being hard on themselves would lead to improvement. That pressure would create change.

But more often, it creates:

anxiety
hesitation
self-doubt
emotional exhaustion

What Self-Kindness Actually Looks Like

Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility or lowering your standards.

It means changing the way you respond when things are difficult.

It might sound like:

“This didn’t go how I wanted—and that’s okay.”
“I can try again.”
“This is uncomfortable, not impossible.”
“I don’t have to get it perfect to move forward.”

The goal isn’t to convince yourself everything is fine.

The goal is to stay steady instead of turning against yourself.

Why It’s Hard

Self-kindness can feel unfamiliar.

Sometimes even uncomfortable.

You might worry:

“Am I letting myself off the hook?”
“Will I lose motivation?”
“Is this just making excuses?”

But in reality, people tend to grow more when they feel supported—not attacked.

The same is true internally.

A Simple Shift to Try

Next time something feels hard, pause and ask:

“What would I say to someone I care about right now?”

Then—try offering yourself the same response.

Not perfectly.
Not all the time.

Just once.

A Gentle Reminder

You don’t have to earn kindness by getting everything right.

You don’t have to wait until you’ve improved to treat yourself with care.

The way you speak to yourself shapes how you move through the world.

And it’s allowed to sound a little more like understanding.

A little more like patience.

A little more like support.

—

frey & associates: Offering virtual mental health therapy and counseling across Illinois. Specializing in anxiety, depression, couples counseling, and relationship and health-focused therapy. Virtual therapy offers convenient, accessible mental health support from the comfort of your own space. Our approach is engaging, active, and solution-focused to help clients build lasting change and emotional well-being. Learn more here; book a free consult today.

Why Why Hobbies Are Helpful (And It Has Nothing to Do With Being Productive)

Posted on February 4, 2026

Why Hobbies Are Helpful (And It Has Nothing to Do With Being Productive)

Hobbies are often framed as extras—things we do once everything else is done. But for many people, especially those who are stressed, burned out, or emotionally stretched, hobbies aren’t indulgent. They’re regulating.

A hobby isn’t about mastering a skill or creating something impressive. It’s about giving your nervous system a break from constant demand.

Hobbies Help the Nervous System Settle

When you engage in a hobby, especially one that’s repetitive, creative, or sensory, your nervous system often shifts out of survival mode. Heart rate slows. Breathing steadies. Attention narrows in a way that feels contained rather than overwhelming.

This isn’t accidental. Activities that involve your hands, your senses, or gentle focus signal safety to the body.

You may notice:

less mental noise
a quieter internal pace
more ease returning to your day

That’s regulation—not distraction.

Hobbies Create Moments of Choice

Much of daily life involves obligation. Hobbies are different because they are chosen. That sense of agency matters.

Choosing an activity simply because you want to—without it needing to be useful—helps rebuild a feeling of autonomy that stress and burnout often erode.

Even small moments of choice can restore a sense of control and self-trust.

Hobbies Support Emotional Processing

When emotions feel too big or hard to name, doing something with your body can help them move through more gently.

Creative and physical hobbies often allow feelings to exist without needing to be analyzed or fixed. You don’t have to talk your way through everything for it to shift.

Sometimes, regulation comes first. Insight follows later.

Hobbies Interrupt the “Always On” Cycle

Many people live in a constant state of mental effort—planning, anticipating, problem-solving. Hobbies offer a pause from that.

They give your brain a place to rest its vigilance. Over time, this can reduce emotional exhaustion and increase resilience.

Rest doesn’t only happen through sleep. It also happens through absorption and play.

Hobbies Reconnect You With Yourself

Stress can shrink life down to responsibilities. Hobbies expand it again.

They remind you that you are more than what you produce, manage, or carry for others. Enjoyment, curiosity, and creativity are not rewards for finishing everything else—they are part of being human.

A Gentle Reminder

If hobbies have felt hard to access, that’s not a personal failing. It often means your system has been under strain.

You don’t need to commit, improve, or be consistent.
You just need permission to try.

Even a few minutes of something chosen for pleasure or curiosity can matter more than you think.

One Drawer Is Enough: Why Small Tasks Actually Work

Posted on January 7, 2026

When we feel stuck, we often tell ourselves we need motivation, discipline, or a better system. In reality, we usually need less pressure and more containment.

Small tasks work because they:

Lower overwhelm
Increase follow-through
Create a sense of completion
Help the nervous system feel capable again

Cleaning one drawer isn’t about organization. Sending one email isn’t about productivity. These actions gently remind your brain: I can do hard things in manageable pieces.

You don’t need to earn rest by doing more.
You don’t need to finish everything you start.

One small task is not avoidance—it’s nervous system regulation.

Nervous system regulation is the ability to help your body return to a calmer, steadier state after stress.
It’s what allows you to feel safe enough to think clearly, make decisions, rest, and respond instead of react.

When your nervous system is regulated, your body isn’t stuck in fight, flight, or shutdown. You may still have stress—but it feels more manageable.

Regulation isn’t about being calm all the time.
It’s about being able to come back to yourself after things get hard.

When we support nervous system regulation, everything else becomes more possible. One drawer is enough.

Radical Acceptance

Posted on November 6, 2025

Radical Acceptance: The Courage to Stop Fighting Reality

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of what happened—it means you stop arguing with reality. It’s the practice of acknowledging the truth of the present moment exactly as it is, without judgment or resistance.

When we refuse to accept reality, we suffer twice: once from the pain itself, and again from the struggle against it. Acceptance doesn’t erase pain, but it opens space for clarity, self-compassion, and choice.

Practicing radical acceptance might sound like:

“This is happening right now, and I don’t have to like it to acknowledge it.”
“I can feel my feelings without trying to fix them.”
“I can move forward even while wishing things were different.”

It’s not giving up—it’s giving in to the truth, so healing can begin.

✨ Acceptance is not passive. It’s an act of courage to meet life on its own terms—and still choose peace.

preserving your energy: a gentle reminder

Posted on September 17, 2025September 17, 2025

Preserving Your Energy: A Gentle Reminder

In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to give our time, attention, and care away without much thought. We say yes when we mean no. We push through exhaustion. We prioritize others while forgetting our own needs. Over time, this leaves us feeling depleted, resentful, or disconnected from ourselves.

Preserving your energy isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect. It means noticing what drains you and what replenishes you. It’s learning to set boundaries, choosing relationships that nurture you, and creating space for rest without guilt.
Ask yourself: Where is my energy flowing? Do these commitments, people, or habits leave me feeling heavier or lighter? Your answers can be powerful guides.

When you treat your energy like the rare, precious resource it is, you create more room for what truly matters: joy, connection, peace, and growth.

exercises for calming the nervous system

Posted on June 25, 2025

Exercises for calming the nervous system are important because they helps the body shift out of survival mode and into a state of balance and healing. Here’s why that matters:

1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

When you’re constantly in “fight or flight” (sympathetic nervous system), your body is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. Calming the nervous system activates the “rest and digest” mode (parasympathetic nervous system), which lowers these hormones and helps you feel more at ease.

2. Improves Sleep

A calm nervous system allows your body and mind to relax enough to fall asleep and stay asleep, improving both the quality and quantity of your rest.

3. Supports Emotional Regulation

When the nervous system is regulated, you’re better able to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. This helps with mood stability, focus, and relationships.

4. Enhances Physical Health

Chronic stress can contribute to inflammation, high blood pressure, digestive problems, and a weakened immune system. Calming the nervous system helps prevent or reduce these physical health issues.

5. Encourages Healing and Recovery

Your body needs a calm state to repair itself—whether it’s healing from an illness, injury, or emotional stress. A regulated nervous system creates the right conditions for recovery.

In short, a calm nervous system is the foundation for mental clarity, emotional resilience, physical health, and overall well-being.

Here’s a simple at-home breathing exercise to help with calming your system:

1. Find a Comfortable Position
Sit or lie down in a quiet space. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable.

2. Ground Yourself
Gently place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly.

3. Inhale Slowly
Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, feeling your belly rise.

4. Hold
Hold your breath for a count of 4 (don’t strain—just a gentle pause).

5. Exhale Slowly
Breathe out through your mouth for a count of 6, letting your body soften.

6. Repeat
Continue this cycle for 3–5 minutes, or as long as feels good. Focus on the rhythm of your breath and the feeling of calm spreading through your body.

You can do this anytime—before bed, during a break, or whenever you need to reset. Additional information and exercises can be found here.

mindfulness- tools for support between therapy appointments

Posted on May 15, 2025May 15, 2025

Therapy often includes exercises and activities you can do outside of therapy to continue to meet your goals every week; mindful exercises helps you focus on the present moment, reducing stress and increasing awareness. Mindfulness also helps breaking the cycle of overthinking and worry about the future. It teaches you to observe anxious thoughts and physical sensations without judgment, reducing their intensity and control over you. Regular practice (even 5 minutes per day) can calm the nervous system, improve emotional regulation, and increase your ability to respond to stress with clarity rather than react with fear, overthinking and/or anxiety.

Exercise to try: Take a deep breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and pause for 4. Repeat this “box breathing” cycle 3 times, paying full attention to your breath.

You can learn additional mindfulness exercises through several accessible options:

Apps – Try apps like Headspace, Calm, or Insight Timer for guided mindfulness sessions.
YouTube – Channels like The Mindful Movement or Tara Brach offer free guided practices.
Books – Start with titles like “Wherever You Go, There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn or “The Miracle of Mindfulness” by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Local or Online Classes – Look for mindfulness or meditation workshops through community centers, mental health providers, or websites like Mindful.org.
Therapists – At frey & associates, we incorporate mindfulness into treatment and can teach you personalized techniques.

mindful moment

Posted on April 16, 2025

Spring is a gentle reminder that no matter how long the winter, everything eventually always blooms with the light.

Spring arrives not just in the blossoms on trees or the warmth in the breeze, but in the quiet courage it takes to begin again. After every season of stillness, nature shows us how to rise—gently, boldly, and in full color. Let this be the season you stretch toward the sun, plant new dreams, and believe in your own blooming.

spring cleaning: making room for new experiences

Posted on March 26, 2025

Spring Cleaning: Making Room for New Experiences

As the seasons change and the days grow longer, there’s an undeniable urge to refresh our surroundings. Spring cleaning isn’t just about decluttering our homes—it’s about making space for growth, new opportunities, and fresh experiences. Whether it’s clearing out your closet, reorganizing your digital life, or letting go of emotional baggage, the act of cleaning can be incredibly freeing and transformative.

Letting Go of Emotional Clutter

Spring cleaning isn’t just about the tangible—it’s also about clearing out mental and emotional space. Letting go of people pleasing, unrealistic expectations, self-doubt, or whatever goals speak to you this season. Journaling, meditation, talking to a trusted friend, and/or connecting with your therapist can help you process emotions and make way for new, positive experiences. When we release what no longer serves us, we create room for joy, adventure, and personal growth.

Get Started: Reset and Realign

Spring cleaning is more than just a seasonal chore; it’s a powerful way to reset and realign with your goals. By letting go of the old, you open yourself up to the beauty of new possibilities. Refresh your surroundings, and step into a season of renewal and growth; ready to get started, reach out today.

coping with winter blues

Posted on January 29, 2025

Coping with Seasonal Affective Disorder: Understanding and Overcoming the Winter Blues

As the days grow shorter and temperatures drop, many people find themselves experiencing changes in mood, energy levels, and motivation. This could be more than just a case of the “winter blues”—it might be Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Understanding what SAD is and how to cope with it can make a significant difference in maintaining mental well-being during the colder months.

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that occurs at a specific time of year, most commonly in the fall and winter months when daylight hours are shorter. It is believed to be linked to changes in sunlight exposure, which can affect the body’s internal clock (circadian rhythm) and the production of certain neurotransmitters like serotonin and melatonin.

Symptoms of SAD can vary from mild to severe and may include:

Persistent feelings of sadness or depression
Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
Fatigue and low energy
Difficulty concentrating
Changes in sleep patterns (oversleeping or insomnia)
Changes in appetite, particularly cravings for carbohydrates
Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness

Ways to Cope with Seasonal Affective Disorder

If you suspect you have SAD, there are several strategies that can help alleviate symptoms and improve your mood during the darker months:

1. Maximize Sunlight Exposure

Natural sunlight can help regulate your body’s internal clock and improve mood. Try to spend time outside during daylight hours, even if it’s just for a short walk. Opening blinds, sitting near windows, or using daylight simulation bulbs can also be helpful.

2. Consider Light Therapy

Light therapy (also known as phototherapy) involves using a specialized light box that mimics natural sunlight. Sitting in front of a light box for about 20–30 minutes each morning can help regulate mood and energy levels. We typically recommend a light of 10,000 LUX and to maintain a distance of roughly 20 inches away from the light. Consult a healthcare professional before starting light therapy to ensure it’s right for you.

3. Stay Active

Regular exercise is a powerful mood booster. Activities such as walking, yoga, and strength training can help increase serotonin levels and reduce feelings of depression. Aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity most days of the week.

4. Stay Connected

Social isolation can make SAD symptoms worse. Make an effort to stay connected with friends, family, or support groups. Engaging in social activities, even when you don’t feel like it, can help improve mood and prevent feelings of loneliness.

5. Practice Mindfulness and Stress Management

Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and journaling can help manage stress and anxiety. Engaging in relaxing activities like reading, listening to music, or practicing gratitude can also contribute to emotional well-being.

6. Seek Professional Help When Needed

If SAD symptoms are interfering with daily life, speaking to a therapist or medical professional can provide additional support. Treatment options may include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or medication, such as antidepressants, in more severe cases.

Final Thoughts

Seasonal Affective Disorder can be challenging, but with the right coping strategies, it is possible to manage symptoms and improve overall well-being. By prioritizing self-care, maintaining healthy habits, and seeking support when necessary, you can navigate the winter months with greater ease and resilience. If you or someone you know struggles with SAD, remember that help is available, and brighter days are ahead.

Questions? Want to connect for an appointment? Reach out to us today and see how we can help.

mindful moment

Posted on January 10, 2025

Beneath the snow, the earth still sleeps,

Dreaming of spring’s vibrant green,

Though icy winds may fiercely sweep,

A resilient heart, unseen, is keen.

mindful moment

Posted on October 11, 2024

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.

-Carl Jung

melissa: welcome fall

Posted on September 30, 2024

As the weather transitions into a new seasons, this shift in the environment can create a sense of renewal and transition as the world prepares for a quieter, more introspective season. The changes in nature can subconsciously remind us of the cycles of life, prompting reflection and new beginnings.

After the busy, outward energy of summer, fall often encourages more inward reflection. As the days shorten and the temperatures drop, people naturally slow down, spend more time indoors, and contemplate the year so far. This quieter time fosters introspection, which can lead to setting new goals, reevaluating habits, or starting new routines.

If you’re feeling a period of reflection, transition, and change this fall, therapy can be a good space to process this time. Whether you want to set new goals, explore new skills and tools, or begin a new phase of your life, therapy is a wonderful resource to consider.

mindful moment

Posted on June 30, 2024

Warm Summer Sun by Mark Twain

Warm summer sun,
Shine kindly here,
Warm southern wind,
Blow softly here.
Green sod above,
Lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart,
Good night, good night.

Melissa: welcoming spring

Posted on April 10, 2024

Finally, Spring has arrived! Spring, often thought of as as season of renewal, brings fresh air, sun, light, and growth.

In honor of Spring having finally begun in the Midwest, below is a poem by the poet Ava Lemon that so beautifully captures the spirit of the season.

Instructions on Not Giving Up by Ada Limón

More than the fuchsia funnels breaking out
of the crabapple tree, more than the neighbor’s
almost obscene display of cherry limbs shoving
their cotton candy-colored blossoms to the slate
sky of Spring rains, it’s the greening of the trees
that really gets to me. When all the shock of white
and taffy, the world’s baubles and trinkets, leave
the pavement strewn with the confetti of aftermath,
the leaves come. Patient, plodding, a green skin
growing over whatever winter did to us, a return
to the strange idea of continuous living despite
the mess of us, the hurt, the empty. Fine then,
I’ll take it, the tree seems to say, a new slick leaf
unfurling like a fist to an open palm, I’ll take it all.

mindful moment

Posted on February 23, 2024

Song of March

by Patricia L. Cisco

With winter’s footprints in the past,
and snows begin to melt at last.

With longer days and shorter nights,
the wayward winds of March take flight.

Four winds she holds within her grip,
then hurls them from her fingertip.

Her woolly, fleecy clouds of white,
she sets in skies of blue delight.

Her wild bouts of gusty breezes
roar through valleys, hills, and trees.

That high pitch whistling song she sings
awakens earth and flowering things.

She tears a hole in heaven’s sky
so sun can shine and rain can cry.

She gently calms as spring draws near,
as blooming daffodils appear.

She welcomes April showers in,
then gathers up her dwindling winds.
Now her long journey home begins,

knowing she’ll be back this way,
upon a cold, late winter’s day,

when nights grow short
and days grow long.

Listen for her whistling song!

Melissa: social media breaks

Posted on February 9, 2024

Around the time of a new year, many of us think through how to best consider changes in our behaviors and actions. On many lists of “changes to make” is considering a break or a slowing down of usage of social media. Not sure if that would be for you? A piece from Harvard helps people evaluate when a break from social media might be worth considering:

“Recognizing When You Need a Break

Considering all of the above, you may be ready for a break. Ask yourself the following questions if you think it’s time to reevaluate your relationship with social media:

Do you come away from your interactions on social media feeling inspired, informed, and positive? Or are you drained, saddened, frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, angry, or negative?
Do you find yourself on a social media app, yet don’t remember picking up your phone and tapping on the app?
Is the amount of time you’re spending on social media taking away from time you used to spend with friends or family, doing schoolwork, or doing other productive activities?
Are you constantly comparing your life to the lives you see on social media, and think that you could never “catch up”?
Have any friends or family members expressed concern that you’re on social media too much, or that you talk about what you see there too much?
Do you have more activities and relationships in real life, or do you conduct most of your life on social media?
Do you just have a feeling you need to take a break, but aren’t sure how?”

If any of those questions resonate with you, it might be worth reading into the article further here.

Remember: always progress over perfection!

mindful moment

Posted on July 19, 2023

warm summer sun by mark twain

Warm summer sun,
Shine kindly here,
Warm southern wind,
Blow softly here.
Green sod above,
Lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart,
Good night, good night.

mindful moment

Posted on April 20, 2023

Spring is like a perhaps hand by E. E. Cummings

Spring is like a perhaps hand
(which comes carefully
out of Nowhere) arranging
a window,into which people look(while
people stare
arranging and changing placing
carefully there a strange
thing and a known thing here) and

changing everything carefully

melissa: podcasts about mental health

Posted on March 29, 2023

Looking for a new podcast? There are a lot of excellent mental health resources and podcasts, and it can be overwhelming to know where you might want to start. I’ve compiled a list of the mental health podcasts that tend to be cross listed on the top reviewed lists. If you want to look at the “top mental health podcasts” lists yourself, I’ve included some links below of four different resources. In the meantime, here are some of the top reviewed, chart topping podcasts:

Top mental health podcasts are listed, reviewed, and with talking points/pros/cons, in the articles here, here, here, and here.

Happy listening!

Telehealth Services

The Internal Double Standard

What Self-Kindness Actually Looks Like

Why It’s Hard

A Simple Shift to Try

A Gentle Reminder

Why Hobbies Are Helpful (And It Has Nothing to Do With Being Productive)

Hobbies Help the Nervous System Settle

Hobbies Create Moments of Choice

Hobbies Support Emotional Processing

Hobbies Interrupt the “Always On” Cycle

Hobbies Reconnect You With Yourself

A Gentle Reminder

Exercises for calming the nervous system are important because they helps the body shift out of survival mode and into a state of balance and healing. Here’s why that matters:

1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

2. Improves Sleep

3. Supports Emotional Regulation

4. Enhances Physical Health

5. Encourages Healing and Recovery

Here’s a simple at-home breathing exercise to help with calming your system:

Letting Go of Emotional Clutter

Get Started: Reset and Realign